Thought experiments

I love inventing little scenarios in my head where I can put my mangled French to use for my own entertainment (and, rightfully, practice). 

Today's petit scénario en français is 'Joel à la pâtisserie', inspired from my all-too-often recontres terrible with the dubious service at Canele. Some of the staff there are just incredibly snooty with the whole "are you sure you know what you're doing, sir" look about them and an attitude that's so full of.. of... je ne sais quoi (snickers). This is my imaginary, albeit terribly cowardly, revenge on those pissfaces.

[Enter Joel, gesticulating wildly] 

"Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! Ahh, cette pâtisserie est trés beau! Ahh, le chocolat, j'aime beaucoup, ahhhh les macarons, j'adore ça!" (Good day! Good day! Good day! Ahh, this patisserie is very beautiful! Ahh, chocolate, I love it muchly! Ahhh, macarons, I adore them!)

"Hi sir, can I help you?"

"Bonjour! Bonjour!" (Good day! Good day!)

"Er... bonjour?"

"Bonjour! Attendez un moment, sil vous plait! [answers handphone] Salut Mummy! Oui, je suis  à Canele! Ah? Ah hah? Ah, non, je n'ai pas prendé mon médicament! Alors, j'ai oublié! Non, non, c'est pas probleme, je suis en forme. Okay, bye bye Mummy, milles bisous! Muacks! [turns back to patissier] Pardon. Comment ça vas?"

(Good day! Oh hold on a moment, please! [answer handphone]. Hello Mummy! Yes, I am at Canele. Ah? Ah hah? Ah, no I did not take my medication! Oh dear, I forgot! No, no there's no problem, I'm feel fine. Okay, bye bye Mummy, a thousand kisses! Muacks! [turns back to patissier]. Sorry. How're you doing?"

"Er, sorry I don't parlez français?"

"Pardon?"

"I don't speak French you laksa-eating wannabe."

"Alors, parlez-vous français?" (Ah, do you speak French?)

"No, I don't parlez français."

"Ah? Vous parlez pas français? C'est trés choquant!" (Ah? You don't speak French? That's very shocking!)

"Sorry sir, er. Voulez vous quoi?"

  

"Ah! Trés bien. Je voudrais des macarons, sil vous plait." (Ah! Very good. I would like some macarons, pelase!)

"Pardon?"

"Je voudrais des macarons, une boîte de six piéces, sil vous plait. Un assortiment, preferablement. Pouvez vous choisir pour moi?" (I would like some macarons, a box of six pieces, please! An assortment, preferably. Can you choose for me?)

"Pardon, I don't comprend you?"

"Alors, c'est trés mal! Ici est une pâtisserie française, non? Vous vendez les pâtisseries françaises, non? Pourquoi vous ne parlez pas français?"

(Ah, this is very bad! This is a French patisserie, no? You sell French pastries, no? Why can't you speak French!?)

[Enter manager]

Manager: "Parce qu'on n'est pas français. Alors, bienvenue à Canele, qu'est-ce que vous voulez?" (Because we are not French. Welcome to Canele, what would you like?)

Joel: "Oh screw it, you're no fun. Merde!" [storms off] (Oh screw it, you're no fun. Shit!)